Sunday, May 18, 2014

Toilet humour

Tokyo Japan. 

Some scatological humour and observations. This is to kick off a series of posts on Japan.

Toto. Not the great friendly Pub in Bandra where I spend a lot or money and quite some time. No sir. Toto is Japans biggest and most well known sanitary goods maker.

The Japanese have always had a fetish about toilets. I have read countless articles about toilets in Japan having, perfume, deodorants, washing our bum, wiping your bum, accidents with toilets that flushed when you were still on the job and so on and so forth.

After a 10 hour flight 6 to Hong Kong and then 4 more to Tokyo, I was ready to take a leak, as the phrase goes. Boss, if you are offended by or get upset with toilet humour, get a life, stop reading further.

On checking in and waiting with crossed legs for my bags to be delivered to the room I went to the toilet to have a quiet piss. I saw something that scared the piss out of me!! A toilet with a wire and plug leading to an electrical socket. As I neared the bowl the seat magically rose with a disconcerting electrical hum. I was scared shitless! Was this a toilet a throne or an electric chair that would electrocute me the moment I sat? Water and electricity do not mix. Here was a toilet connected to electricity!!

I was scared. Gingerly, I unzipped my trouser and pointed to the inner recesses of the bowl. I imagined a jolt of electricity coursing from the water up my wi-wi thru my body. Something like reverse lightening. But, I was safe. I took a leisurely piss.

Next I had to flush. There was no plunger. On the wall was a dashboard with various options. I pushed the half flush button. Magically water flowed and after that even more magically the toilet seat shut. I was really relieved, pun intended.

The control panel

Next morning, it was time for the big job. As I entered the stall, the seat magically lifted. I lowered myself with visions of a jolt of electricity now coursing up my bum. Eeek. The toilet seat was heated!!!. After the initial shock, I thought it was wonderful. No cold shock to grid your loins. Here was just comforting warmth while you sat. Once I had got the job done, I looked at the panel. I had a lot of choices. Did I want a jet, did I want a spray, some power deodorising? Was the jet properly aligned? Did I want it moved back or front, was the spray/jet to be stronger or milder? Choices choices choices. Alas, the jet was pre set to a proper angle and a proper pressure. My bottom was thoroughly washed and I felt a contended, much lightened man.

These Japanese are clever people. This electrical toilet is really wonderful.  I want one at home.

But, I thought, how we can ever have these toilets washed in Mumbai. Any decent Bai will throw water over everything. In the process, she will ruin the toilet and probably electrocute herself, good, killing two birds with one stone!!

I want that toilet.

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