How to destroy a waiter. My two bit psychology lesson.

In psychological research, an important facet is observational methods, by which, human behavior is observed.

A question often asked is what is the difference between psychologists and psychiatrists. Very broadly, psychiatrists are trained medical doctors, they can prescribe medications. Psychiatrists spend much of their time with patients on medication management as a course of treatment.

On the other hand, psychologists focus extensively on psychotherapy and treating emotional and mental suffering in patients with behavioral intervention. One step before treatment is observation, which is critical in assessing a person’s mental state.

I have been a psychologist for years. I observe, and reach conclusion.  I observe behavioral patterns of individuals in different situations like, cafeterias, restaurants, airport and hospital waiting rooms. I must hastily confess, I hardly ever treat any patient. Often quickly, sometimes instantly, I can tell that a person has severe emotional and mental suffering and deficiencies. I immediately pronounce them “mad”. There are literally hundreds of numbskulls around.

  

In this post, I will write about some of my observations. These have been conducted by me in restaurants. In a subsequent post, I will write about my observation in airports, airplanes and hospitals.

Here goes.

Let’s start at the beginning. This is what I have repeatedly observed when dining with pals at a restaurant.

I am sure you have been to a restaurant, reasonable fine dine – say, Indigo Deli or Copper Chimney or Gaylord or even O Pedro – with a few dear friends. 4 couples, 4 men, 4 women. No children in my observations, as, frankly, I rarely dine with children in restaurants. I would rather slit my wrists. You sit down at the table offered and the first thing that happens is that the waiter comes along and asks “mineral water or ordinary filter water”. This is where the fun starts. At your table, your guests will systematically proceed to mentally destroy the waiter. He will be given at least the following responses.

Bisleri

Bisleri cold, but not very cold, let me touch it first and, no ice

Bisleri with ice

Bisleri room temperature

Filter room temperature

Filter no ice

Filter ice

So, in the very first interaction you have reduced the waiter to quivering jelly. Now he will proceed to serve each person the incorrect water leading to a few more minutes of mayhem. Of course, cross conversations will be going on leading to more merriment as incorrect water is dispensed.

Next, is order taking time. This is where you have the chance to totally fuck with the restaurant Captain’s mind. I am not even getting into the types of non-vegetarian that there are. The broad types, Jain, Veg, Non-Veg simply don’t work anymore. I am sure you would have read jokes on WhatsApp which read something like this:

Pure Vegetarian

Can eat eggs but not chicken

Can eat cake (which has egg) but not omelette or boiled egg.

Can eat the gravy but not pieces

Can only eat meat outside the house, not inside

Eat meat only while drinking. When not drinking are vegetarian

Eat meat only when forced by someone to do so

Pure vegetarian on Monday, Tuesday & Saturday. Can eat meat on Wednesday, Friday & Sunday

That is old hat. I am not even getting into that. To some extent, our vegetarian fetishes are much like the “allergic” fetishes you have in the Western world. But, as I have said, leave that aside.

The 8 of you can seriously mangle the Captain’s mind only with the order for “Roti”. A few observations, which I am restricting to only Naan and not extending this over the myriad types of Roti available. Let’s assume this is a restricted menu.

Plain Naan

Butter Naan

Butter Naan but not too much butter

Naan, but make it crispy

Naan crispy but not burnt

I want a second Naan, but don’t make it as crispy as last time. Last time it was burnt.

I must tell you that ordering a “Roti Ki Tokri” or “Bread Basket” will also not work. You will have your 7 friends voicing their dissatisfaction with the butter or lack of it or the garlic or its absence.

The fun and games would continue as the hapless waiter who has been told to serve will proceed to dish out the incorrect Naan. I mean seriously, it a bloody Naan, with just flour and water and salt to which heat is applied. Its not a cancer drug which will give you nausea for a month and make your hair fall out. Eat the bloody thing.

I have observed that this gaiety continues throughout the meal. Each of your 7 companions will do his or her best to be as big an asshole as possible. Main courses are similarly madly ordered with different specifications and ridiculous questions

make it spicy,

is it sweet?

Is it white gravy?

Jain please!

Can I get it boneless?

You would think that your dining companions are white British having the first “curry” of their lives never having eaten bog standard North Indian restaurant fare before.

If you are in a restaurant with “Desi Khanna” I have observed diners damaging the waiter by randomly and sporadically asking for

Onion slices

Cocktail/pickled onion

Green Chilly

“Limboo”

Chutney

If you are in a “Conti” restaurant I have seen mutilation of the waiter by your companions erratically asking for

Garlic bread

Tomato ketchup

Chilly flakes

Pizza herbs

Tabasco

If you are in a Chinese restaurant my investigations have revealed maiming of the Nepali or Gharwali waiter by haphazardly demanding

Soya Sauce

Chilies in vinegar

Red Chili Sauce

Szechwan Sauce

I honestly ask, what is wrong with us? Way, really why are we so demanding, impatient and believe that our food needs saucing or spicing. Why are we so demanding about something as mundane as water? Warm water and fridge cold water have no biological or chemical difference. Why are we so paranoid about getting a “sardi khokla” if we drink cold water and not when we drink a cold beer or whiskey soda? I am always mystified. Why is a Naan served by a responsible restaurant unacceptable in standard form?

Is it just that we are overly pampered, too much – to use a Marathi work – “Kautook” or are we simply bonkers and unreasonable. Why do we have such a sense of entitlement or self-importance that we have to impose our foibles on a blasted Naan.

Is this the reason why real fine dine, with plated food fails in India? We simply cannot eat standard plated food. If the food is served family style with dishes being placed in the center of the table from which we have to serve ourselves, we seem happier. So much more to play around with and order the waiters to do.

I have no answers. I do hope that after reading this, you realise how utterly mad we are in a restaurant, and, I hope, that at some point we reform.

A fond hope, but, hope nonetheless.

Pipe dreams. World domination of beer bars

The Bouchons in Lyon open for dinner at 7.30 pm. Not wanting to be the first at dinner, we had made reservations for 8.00 pm. Before that we invariably had a drink at a bar, and thus fortified, proceeded to dinner.

This one evening, on 31^st October, it was Halloween. Halloween is celebrated in most Christian countries similarly - trick or treat which we have read in books and comics when young, or dressing up in costume, preferably scary. In France it is known as La Toussaint, in Mexico it’s the Dia Des Muertos. This day is normally a holiday and focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died, and help support their spiritual journey. We Hindoos have the dreaded Pitru Paksh as do the Muslims who have the Shab E Baraat. Shab E Baraat is normally celebrated with lumpen Muslim youths performing “stunts” all night on motorcycles while our helpless cowardly Hindoo Police stand around watching.

Apologies. I digress.

On 31^st October we walked into Beer O Clock a pub in Lyon. Within minutes I felt like Alexander the Great, or Napoleon or to come to think of it, Hitler. I thought I could conquer the world, after conquering Mumbai and India of course, with this wonderful concept I saw at Beer O Clock.

Let me tell you about how I planned to do it. So simple, and, without being facetious, a really brilliant concept.

Do have a look at the photo below.

What do you see? A bank of unbranded [white labeled] beer dispensers, each with a TV Screen and a spigot on the bottom. The spigot is to spray cool water into your glass. This not only cools your glass, but rinses it clean of odors, dirt and so on. How does this work?

This is where it gets brilliant.

Each dispenser contains a different beer. The TV screen provides you with information on the beer, its type [blonde, Trappist etc.] its tasting notes, its price, alcoholic strength, name, and a picture. Obviously with a TV screen you can change the display as you like very easily with no need for substantial modifications. On the side of each dispenser is a card reader.

You go to the bar and buy a prepaid card, say 20 Euros. Select a glass from the selection kept on a rack and take the card and glass to the bank of dispensers. Choose the beer you want, give you glass a rinse by using the water spray. Place your prepaid card in the slot and pour yourself the beer. You can pour as much or as little as you like. You could pour a tablespoon to taste. If you like it pour yourself some more. If you don’t like it, rinse the glass and pour yourself another beer from another dispenser.

As you pour your card is charged. Much like dispensing petrol at a petrol station, you will be charged at the rate for the beer depending on how much you pour. Once you are done, hand over the glass and walk out.

Fantastic, brilliant, superb. What a wonderful concept. Truly path breaking according to me.

Look at the advantages. As a bar owner you can easily change the beer you offer. Simply change the keg and the description on the TV. Dodgy beer supply, no problem, simply change keg and description. No more dealing with drooling idiots who want to taste the beer. They can simply pour themselves a spoon and taste.  No more bartenders. No more begging for the bartender’s attention. No more pilfering and giving free drinks and all the other bullshit you have with freeloaders and complainers.

Here are some more advantages. You can keep your prepaid card and simply come in when you like, have a glass and waltz off. No wasting time looking for a table, catching a waiter’s eye, get the bill, get the card machine, pay cash, the madness of service charge and tip. All gone, vanished POOF. You could, if you like, measure your alcohol spends by spending only what you load on your card every day, or week or month. Of course, that means you drink at only one place.

I was gob smacked.

The bar did have food, and other types of alcohol and all other things that make a bar a bar. But this concept of a prepaid card and automatic dispensing really appealed to me.

Then my brain started working towards beer domination.

Suppose we do this in Mumbai. Multiple outlets, Colaba, Lower Parel, Bandra, Lokhandwalla and Powai. Cards compatible at all. You could dispense all manner of beer both the classic like Kingfisher, the imported like Hoegaarden and Edelweiss and all the indi breweries – Gateway, Bira, Doolaly etc.

Cards could be linked to your Paymate account so you can load them using your wallet. You could have multiple cards, one for you and one, for say, your wife.

Then you could link them to your Aadhar so that if your beer card is stolen it could be disabled since you can’t use the beer card without your Aadhar. You could expand the card to being an App on your mobile, both Android and Apple compatible. Using the App you could load your card or see if any new beers are on at a bar, or special offers.

Once I went that far, I know my imagination was running away. I knew I was getting out of control.

Using Aadhar to buy booze in India? Privacy, would your Mummy Daddy know where and how much you are drinking? Would the Supreme Court frown?

Sigh.  

A. Wong. *

A. Wong, a Chinese restaurant in Pimlico near the Victoria Station has been around for a few years. It was a Cantonese restaurant called Kym’s, typical in London, owned and run by Andrew Wong’s parents. Andrew, a second-generation Chinese had no interest in the restaurant and, like Chinese and Indian children, was encouraged to study. He was admitted to Oxford, then the LSE. His father passed away leaving his mother to run the restaurant. He had to help her, which got him interested. This resulted in him joining catering school. Soon he was hooked. The restaurant was refurbished and renamed A. Wong. Wong undertook a 6 month journey through China to absorb the food and culture. On return he revamped the restaurant menu incorporating his influences and presented his interpretations.

In 2017, A. Wong won its first star in Michelin. The restaurant has been critically acclaimed for quite some time before achieving its star.

The restaurant is unusual for a Chinese restaurant. It has an open kitchen. A “C” shaped bar counter runs along one end of the kitchen where you can sit and have your meal. Tables are bare, no tablecloths, just starched napkins or ‘laptops’ as I call them. Stainless steel cutlery and chopsticks. No fine china, just reasonably ‘jada’ plain white plates. Tables quite close to each other. Bustling. The clientele consists of a mix of regulars, walk ins and reserved tables. Almost entirely white diners, we were the only two browns, much later 4 yellows walked in. Staff, largely a mix of Orientals, some white Eastern Europeans, no English as far as we could tell.

We had the tasting menu of some 10 courses plus amuse bouches. I am not going to describe each one. The Tasting menu is described as a “Taste of China” menu which gives you food from different regions, a sort of Top 10 Chinese Dishes.

All the food was excellent. No dud dishes. The food, in reality is traditional Chinese, with authentic Chinsese flavours. However, it is beautifully presented. Lots of tweezers at work. Lots of sauces, in fact, the food is sauced in a Western way not the gloopy sauces we are used to in India which we use like ‘Daal’ with our noodles. The 10 courses were served quickly unlike at the Ritz, which I have written about earlier. No flagging, except, at the time of the very last dessert.

The produce used was all top class. Lot of high quality Wagyu beef used, in small portions befitting the tasting menu. The beef was well cooked, seared on the outside, rare in the centre. Luxury ingredients like Lobster, Foie Gras and Abalone were also used. Very high quality of cooking and plating.

The only down side or bad bit was the quality of the covering on the Dim Sum and the Pancakes on the Duck. Thick, chewy. Very strange. Was this intentional to give texture or just poor quality, I do not know.

The dessert described as “Poached merengue with fruit textures” was, in my view, a bit of technical wizardry. The outer layer was a thin layer of caramelised sugar, like the sugar in a Crème Brulee. The next layer was poached meringue either a Swiss or Italian meringue. The core was Peach. Fantastic. Also offered was poached Peach with an utterly delightful Salt, Chilli Powder and Sugar powder. Much like we have with Peru or Guava in India.

The meal was a tour de force of skillful, inventive and creative cooking. The atmosphere and service were excellent. The food came out at short intervals and not long uneven pauses. Negatives? As I wrote, thick skins on Dim Sum and probably, if I am being nit-picky, a bit of a wild atmosphere for such sophisticated food. A quieter restaurant, white tablecloths and finer crockery would have been perfect. But these facts did not in any way diminish the food.

A tasting menu, for 1 without booze and service is GBP 90 or INR 9,000/-. A. Wong should be your choice if you want to upgrade your Chinese food experience from the usual Black Bean Pork and Ho Fun Noodles. This is quite different, though staying close to the real thing.

Of course, recommended.

Apologies for a couple of blurred photographs.

Barbecued pork jerky / Char sui / Grated foie gras

Pickled Watermelon

Zhou dynasty cured scallop, stuffed crab claw, wasabi

Cut open. The outer layer is Prawn

Dim sum duo. Har Gaw on the left, Shui Mai on the right

Chengdu street tofu, soy chilli, peanuts, preserved vegetables

Shanghai steamed dumplings, ginger infused vinegar

‘Memories of Peking Duck’

Anhui province red braised fermented wild seabass

Wuwei smoked duck ‘birds nest’

Braised abalone, shitake mushroom, sea cucumber and abalone butter

The buns for the Shaanxi pulled lamb ‘burger’ with Xinjiang pomegranate salad

Shaanxi pulled lamb ‘burger’ with Xinjiang pomegranate salad

Yunnan seared beef with mint, chilli and lemongrass served with a pulled noodle cracker. The noodle you see are hand pulled. I have never seen such fine hand pulled noodles.

Dai’ seared wagyu beef with mint, chilli and lemongrass         

‘Soy chicken’ with ginger oil and Oscietra caviar wrap

Ma Po’ tofu with crispy onions and coriander        

Coconut water ice, blackberries, dried mulberries, yoghurt and mochi 

Poached merengue with fruit textures

Poached merengue with fruit textures, cut open

Apricot with Salt, Sugar Chilli Powder

White Chocolate with Raspberry filling