La Loca Maria - An unmitigated disaster.

Eating out in the past few weeks has been fairly disappointing. Readers will have read about how I believe standards have fallen at O Pedro. After that we had a sub-par meal at the newly opened Copper Chimney at Bandra. This has opened where it once was, a sort of reincarnation, on the start of the road leading to Bandra Station. The gravies were unbalanced, the meat tough, and, overall a let-down.

The experience we had at the newly opened La Loca Maria took the biscuit as far as I was concerned. It was the first time, in any restaurant, anywhere in the world, when we have returned both dishes we ordered, obviously uneaten, and, walked out without paying. It was that bad.

Of course, this was punctuated by an absolutely knockout meal at Ling’s Pavilion with some really excellent Clams Chili Garlic. Clams being very much in season now.

Above: Delicious Clams Chilli Garlic at Ling's Pavilion

La Loca Maria has opened on Turner Road in place of the long-standing Birdy’s, in the same building that has Sahiban, Café Coffee Day et al. Sometime in mid-April when walking along the footpath, HRH the Queen of Kutch saw some renovation at the site and a good looking white man standing outside. Curiosity piqued she asked white man what was happening. He replied that he was a chef and the owner of a Spanish restaurant that was to open in the first week of May. A new Spanish restaurant literally 50 meters from home. Much excitement.

Well, May came and went, so did June and July. Then in early August, we saw that the doors were open. A call was made and the answer was, nope not yet open, waiting for the liquor license which was expected shortly. Then the PR mini blitz started. A Spanish Chef married to a Maharashtrian girl was opening this place. He had worked at a series of 5-star properties in the Middle East and was part of the now long-shuttered Sergi Arola restaurant at the JW Marriot at Juhu. HRH the queen of Kutch was busy researching reviews. The excitement was reaching fever pitch, as the cliché goes.

So, on 14^th August, the day before the Independence Day dry day we wet our whistles at Irish House and walked across to La Loca Maria for our 8.45 pm reserved table.

As we entered, we saw the Chef glad-handing a table near the entrance. To put things in perspective, the site was a cake shop, hence small. It had now morphed into a restaurant. Broadly a third of the area is an open kitchen, another third is the seating and the final third is an illegal encroachment onto the open-air building compound. About 16 to 18 seats inside and probably 6 to 8 in the open, outside. How such a small restaurant can make economic sense I am mystified. On a Wednesday, a day before a holiday, at 9 pm the place was 50% full, or empty. Not a good sign. Obviously, still no liquor license.

The menu was handed out, two sheets, one with the food and a second with desserts. We decided, thankfully in retrospect, to order just 3 starters, gauge, and then order the main course. As an aside, the burgers were touted in the PR pieces as being excellent, so I told HRH the Queen of Kutch to keep an eye open to see how they looked in case they were being served to another table. As we waited for our food, a half-eaten burger was returned. OK, let’s give the benefit of doubt. Maybe, the diner was full and could not finish the burger.

We ordered 3 starters, all bog-standard classic traditional Spanish staples. Croquettes or Croquetas in Spanish, Prawns in Olive Oil with Garlic and Chilli or Gambas al Ajillo, and Charred Octopus.

First up the Mushroom and Truffle Croquettes with Garlic Aioli. Have a look at the photo. Primary rule in food, everything should be the same size. Rule is broken. You may say I am nit-picking. Really? Go to a pastry shop with different sized chocolate pastry and tell me which ones will sell first, the larger or the smaller? Fine, to use a chestnut, size does not matter, technique does. Here is where we had a huge problem. A Croquette is most often made with a very heavy thick Bechamel or white sauce which is flavoured with Chicken or Ham or Cheese etc. Thus, when you deep fry the Croquette, the Bechamel becomes creamy and delicious. It is honestly a delicious dish. What was served to us had minimal Bechamel, if at all, and was filled with breadcrumb. This, unfortunately, resulted in an extremely dry interior with an unpleasant mouthfeel and overpowering Truffle Oil flavour. Dish returned with 4 of the 6 Croquettes uneaten.

Above: The Croquettes

Next up was the Gambas al Ajillo. This dish a joy to eat. Dead simple. A terracotta cooking vessel called a Cazuela de Barro is heated with a generous amount of Olive Oil, sliced garlic and Chilli added along with Prawns. Finally, White Wine is added, sometimes some Paprika and the prawns are served in the Cazuela de Barro spitting, hissing and boiling hot. In La Loca Maria this was a tragedy. We got the prawns, lukewarm, overcooked in a stone-cold ceramic dish. To me, it seemed that a whole lot of prawns were cooked in advance, like prawn curry, in a large Dekchi, and simply plated. Two prawns eaten; dish returned.

Above: The Gambas al Ajillo at La Loca Maria

Above: An image I have taken from the Internet of what Gambas al Ajillo should be. Note the terracotta dish.

The order of Charred Octopus cancelled and the bill requested. Chef comes out looking harassed. I tell him this is unacceptable. The Gambas were stone cold, as was the dish which I repeatedly touched with my fingers to demonstrate the cold dish. He shrugged and melted away. The server said we hardly ate anything so why do we need the bill. I was so upset that I agreed with him and fetched my umbrella and walked out.

Dinner was leftover Goa Choriz Pulao washed down with an icy G&T.

I am totally at a loss as to how or why we got such terrible food. As I have written earlier, this was bog-standard Spanish food. Spanish food is codified, that is, it has rules and recipes that are fairly consistent across the board. It is not like our Hyderabadi, Luckhnowi, Bohri, Mopla, Avadhi and Calcutta biryani conundrum. Both Croquettes or Croquetas and Prawns in Olive Oil with Garlic and Chilli or Gambas al Ajillo are standard dishes which any Spanish chef should be able to cook with his eyes closed, half drunk. Is there any explanation? Is he simply a terrible cook? I find that difficult to believe. Has he been driven mad by us Indians who refuse to accept food for what it is and want it spicy or Chatpata or somehow bastardised? Or is it that this place targets Millennials, food bloggers, jurnos and PR types who are clueless at the best of times? If that is the case, the man has no pride. Why not serve good authentic food to those who are clueless? They anyway have no idea. Why compromise?

I predict that he will soon have a new menu, with the attendant hoopla. Thereafter, in the next 9 months, he will be gone.

Sad, But, honestly, he is solely to blame.

Cannes the food

The Cote d’Azur part of Provence has its distinct cuisine. Several dishes that originate there are as the saying goes “world renowned”. The famous fish soup Bouillabaisse, the delicious Salad Niçoise, the vegetarian Ratatouille, Tapenade -the Olive pate and Aioli to name just a few. Tomato, Olive, Olive Oil garlic Aubergines are some of the vegetables that thrive here. Fish is a big part of the meal. In other words, this is certainly not a culinary wasteland.

Two street foods that are very popular are the Pan Bagnat and Socca. The Pan Bagnat is simply a Salad Niçoise on a sandwich. A crusty burger bun shaped bread is hollowed out slightly, bathed in olive oil and filled with lettuce, tomato, tinned tuna, onion, hard cooked egg slices and anchovy. Typically, these are weighed down and kept cool for a few hours before being eaten. This is a substantial lunch for one, very substantial.

Socca is frankly quite daft. It is simply a ‘chilla’ made with ‘Chole’ flour, water and some olive oil. This is cooked on a tava in a wood fired oven. It actually is a chilla. Served with a grind or two of black pepper. A very good chilla, but still a chilla. How much can you elevate a chilla? We shared one in the Forville Market.

Top: The Socca being baked in the oven and the finished product 

The previous evening we had dined at the superb Palme D’Or which has two stars in Michelin. Dinner was to be humbler after last night’s blow out.

The French Riviera has many fine restaurants. Problem is that Cannes does not. Cannes is on the coast surrounded, just a few kilometres away by hills. In the towns in the hills, Valbonne, Mougins and Châteauneuf, to name just 3. These towns have superb restaurants often with stars in Michelin. There is a lot of choice within a 20-minute drive. We don’t drive, so our dining choices are dictated by walking distance or at best taxi. Anyway, after some snooping, we zeroed in on Aux Bon Enfants a charming Bistro started in 1935 in the heart of old Cannes town. Right in the Altstadt as the Germans would say.

We had reserved a table for 7.30 pm but observing from the previous night that people ate late, we delayed our table to 8 pm. We sat in the square and had a beer and cold Rose before dinner. How utterly civilised.

Aux Bon Enfants was a typical Bistro, Blackboards with handwritten menus with le formule [the fixed price menu] and le plat de jour [the daily special] adorning the walls. A bottle of wine was ordered which came in a rather charming Ice bucket. The food was good, of course, not of the gourmet standard of the previous night. Just decent well cooked standard French Bistro fare.

Top: A classic. Bone Marrow with Toast Parsley & Salt

Top: Heritage Tomato Salad with Pesto and Burata

Top: Veal chop with Mustard

Top: Rabbit Stew with Olives  & Lemon. Really really tasty 

Top: A plate of mixed vegetables - Aubergine, Pommes Dauphinoise 

Top: Lemon Tart

The dessert was a knockout. Unfortunately, not photographed well. Lemon Tart, which the waitress proudly told us was la Maison, made at home. The pastry was short and crisp and the Lemon Curd tangy. Well done.

I am sure there are several Bistros equally good in Cannes. You can safely eat here. No complaints at all.

Restaurant Palme D'Or - Cannes **

We were in Cannes for just two nights. One night was to be dinner at Palme D’Or which has two stars in Michelin. The chef in charge of Palme d’Or is the very charming Christian Sinicropi who hails from Cannes. His trade mark is a Pista Green Chef’s Jacket that he wears. We had made the reservation well in advance, especially having seen the restaurant and Chef being featured in an episode of a Netflix show whose name escapes me. Palme D’or is located in the Martinez Hotel, so we thought that the rich and famous would have made dinner plans too.

Our table was for 8 pm. For once we had no commute to reach the restaurant, no timing the walk with HRH the Queen of Kutch wearing high heeled shoes. No taxi to hail and traffic to negotiate. Just a simple ride down the elevator. In these circumstances what better to do that visit the bar downstairs. Which is exactly what we did.

Gins were a speciality of the bar. How delightful. A large collection was on display with a selection of tonics. A Japanese Gin called Roku to start with, then a French Citadelle. Just right after a hot day. The bar is located on the street level overlooking the Croisette. Very pleasant. Friendly bartenders speaking in passable English. Then it was getting to be dinner time. So off we went.

Restaurant Palme D’Or is on the first floor of the Hotel. A large restaurant, without air conditioning with a large frontage. The front overlooked the Croisette, naturally, and since you were a level up, you had a very good view of the beach and the Mediterranean Sea. Tables were large and well-spaced. Our table was right at the at the front overlooking the Croisette and beach. Very exciting. We were seated and enchanted by the view. Being summer, it was still very bright. As the evening progressed it became twilight.

Top: The obligatory purse holder. This one is particularly crafty. Build into the chair itself and not a separate stool.

To get us settled in Champagne was ordered. Cold, refreshing and celebratory. The usual questions were asked, are you allergic to anything? Is this a special occasion? And menus handed out. Handed out is wrong, they were placed on the table. The menu was a 6-sided square, like a dice, there were also two additional pull-outs. The 6 sides of the dice signify the 6 movements. The 6 movements or themes were (i) vegetable (ii) Prawns, Langoustines i.e. Crustacea (iii) Lamb (iv) Beef (v) Oyster (vi) South, my roots i.e. food from the Riviera. The 6 movements are nothing but 6 principal ingredients cooked in 3 ways. The first is a to create a plate of textures, the second is to cook the ingredient in a modern interpretation and the last is to cook the product, un adorned, simply, typically. The two additional menus were an A La Carte, and a Tasting.

I ordered the A La Carte which had 3 courses, obviously, and HRH the Queen of Kutch ordered one of the Movements – South My Roots. I am not going to describe the food. The photos and their description tell it all. The food without exception was top notch. Everything accurately cooked with enormous skill and technique. What was supposed to be hot was hot.

The Canapes were really quite something. We both felt that the liquified Olive with chilli was genius. Also good was Barbajuan a speciality from next-door neighbour Monaco, which is a fritter made with Chard and Ricotta.

Top: the Canapes. On the extreme left are the Barbajuan. Next on the toast is the superlative liquified Chili Olive. 

Top: An amuse bouche

A bread basket was offered with some fabulous bread. Then a trolley was brought with freshly made Focaccia. A portion was then sliced off and local olive oil poured on top. If that was not enough, a toast rack was brought with translucent, gossamer thin Cumin, Caraway and Sesame Tuilles. This was a tour de force of technique. This was a Roomali Roti on steroids, a Papad elevated in the extreme.

Top: The Olive oil to go with the Focaccia 

Top two: The superb bread from the bread basket. A work of art

Top: Gossamer thin, translucent Tuilles

Chef Sinicropi is a qualified Ceramicist as is his wife. Together they design a lot of the crockery used in the restaurant. Some of the plating, as a consequence of using this custom made crockery is eye-catching.

When we entered the restaurant had probably just 3 tables occupied. As the evening progressed it filled up but never got full. People seem to eat later in Cannes than London. Despite the 2 Stars in Michelin, and the superlative restaurant [both food and location] it is obvious that they cannot seem to turn tables. This seems sad as at some point the economics would break down. If this restaurant was in London, I am certain they would have turned tables 3 times during the day.

Top: From the South, My Roots: Movement 1 - Fish Eggs Minosa. Caviar, Hens Eggs, Salmon Roe and several other components

Top: From the South, My Roots: Movement 2. Baby Squid with Tomato

Top: From the South, My Roots: Movement 3 - Mediterranean Red Tuna

Top: From the South, My Roots: Movement 4 - Sardines, stuffed with Squid Ink and other 'pigments" 

Top two. From the A La Carte. First Course. White Asparagus tainted with Beetroot to make it purple, Green Asparagus and a Wasabi Marshmellow. Beautiful to look at, fabulous to eat

Top three. From the A La Carte. Second Course. Wild Turbot with Seasonal Vegetables and Mushrooms to accompany.

HRH the Queen had no space for a dessert. I had the Cheese from the Cheese Board and it was in top condition. No photographs unfortunately.

Everyone is happy

The service was good, wine topping up [we had a bottle of Sancerre] efficient. Food was delivered at the right pace. It was a very nice evening, one that we will remember. The food was good with an unbeatable location and ambience. At end the evening we met Chef Sinicroppi who was a nice guy and was genuinely pleased that we enjoyed his food. Of course, he did not believe we were from India. It is sad that I have to write this line. It reeks of arrogance for which I apologise. The point is that if someone tells you that you they cannot believe you are from India, there is a problem somewhere in the mental picture foreigners have of us Indians. I believe I am not the cause of that picture. Think about that.

Should you visit Cannes and eat at Palme D’Or. Without any hesitation, yes, yes yes.