The Table

We were invited by Mr. And Mrs. Bagvala [names changed to protect their identities] to dinner at The Table, a Fine Dining restaurant at the Gateway of India. I must start by saying it was a fantastic meal, the food was top notch and more than that the food was really innovative. It was not the usual quasi Italian quasi Mexican quasi Oriental cheese and carbohydrate laden food that passes as Continental food in today’s restaurants. This was really new food. I will go so far as to say that this was the finest `Continental’ food I have had in India in the last 10 years. It was imaginative, well cooked, excellently presented in custom made serving dishes and above all, tasted excellent.

For those in the know, Alex Sanchez who was the Chef at The Table has since departed. I do not know if this is correct. The restaurant describes its cuisine as `ingredient driven, focusing on simplicity and purity of flavour, a philosophy inherited from Chef Alex Sanchez’s native San Francisco’. This is a two level restaurant done up in wood with a lot of wrought iron, pleasant to the eye with a bright red rather macabre painting at the top of the stairs. I was rather surprised that the restaurant was only at 50% or less capacity though it was a Wednesday night. By contrast Indigo Deli located just 25 meters away was packed to the rafters.

Soon after seating we were handed the menu as well as the wine list which I glanced at. I was not drinking as I was driving. The Wines themselves were not very many with what looked to me like a 33% Indian wine selection and the remaining global. Not impressive but not something to sneeze at. I know for a fact that the ITC Grand Maratha has a much larger selection, anyway, that is not the point. A bottle of Bodega Norton Malbec which sells at the ITC Grand Maratha for Rs 4,000/- was available here at Rs. 3,500/-. Is that expensive? A bottle of Santa Rita 120 Cabernet Sauvignon from Chile which we drink at home costs Rs. 1,300/- at Shah Wines while it was being sold at Rs. 2,900/-. A decent price to pay at a restaurant.

A most decent bread basket

Mrs. Bagvala took charge and ordered starters for the table. She is a reasonable regular at the restaurant and was familiar with what was what. A most popular dish is Zucchini Spaghetti with Almonds and Parmesan. This is served warm with a Balsamic dressing. Mrs. Bagvala warned the waiter that she would not accept a soggy dish. I must say that the waiter’s promise of not serving a soggy dish was met. The dish was excellent. The Zucchini was cut into strands to resemble Spaghetti and probably sautéed. Parmesan was grated at the table. Really top class and something I have never had before. It was polished off in seconds. 

 Zucchini Spaghetti with Almonds and Parmesan - just before they added the Parmesan

The next starter she ordered was described on the menu as Boneless Chicken “Wings” with a Ginger Glaze. Total knock-out of a dish. This was a genuine creation, something I have not seen ever before. From what I could figure out Chicken Skin and stripped meat from the wings was probably pressed into a sort of cake and then cooked in an oven. Cubes were cut dressed with the Glaze and served. Fantastic dish. I am glad Mrs. Bagvala took charge.

The Chicken `Wings'

Then it was time for the main course. 3 of us decided on the Burger, cooked medium in a Brioche Bun. Mr. Bagvala wanted Bacon in his, HRH the Queen of Kutch requested Cheddar while I said I would like Blue Cheese. Folks, these were good burgers, really good burgers. Juicy, the bun was super and the fries that accompanied the Burger crisp and hot. The best Burger we have had in India. As good as what you get in the UK? No, but close. Mrs. Bagvala ordered Grouper Roasted in Japanese Aromatics with Spring Onion Fondue and Spinach. It looked really good and she declared it as excellent.

The Burger with Blue Cheese

Grouper Roasted in Japanese Aromatics with Spring Onion Fondue and Spinach

A few days after the meal I have written about in the previous paragraphs, we once again dined at the Table. In light of the excellent food we had eaten we ordered exactly the same things again. However, we had some additional people we were dining with. Senior Mrs Stonethrower ordered a Korean Barbeque Beef on a  Kimchi Pancake with Scallions, Mung Bean Sprouts and a Horseradish Cream. We all had a forkful to taste. This was a really good dish.

There was a Red Snapper also on the menu. This was served with Curried Quinoa, Fresh Fennel Slices and some sort of Broth. I am afraid I cannot recall what the dish was exactly. But this dish too was pronounced as really good.

The Red Snapper without the broth and then with the broth poured on. 

As I have said earlier, a really good meal, really good food and food that genuinely excited us. I regret the fact that I have not eaten at the Table before. I plan to remedy that and eat there a few times. Mind you it is pricey, the burgers cost Rs. 1,200/- plus plus but they are really good.

Go there soon. I recommend it. The Table is far superior to Indigo and certainly better than Indigo Deli. I do not think there a better restaurant serving `Continental’ food in Mumbai.  

KYC - Know Your Customer - What a bloody joke

First things first. We, as in the Stonethrower Family Unit, are law abiding. We do not steal, physically hurt, drive when drunk and by and large are honest. Of course, all these are relative standards. Compared to the wonderful Tarun Tejpal we are like pure driven snow. But, I am sure you get my point. We generally follow the law.

Secondly, all that I am writing here is what I have personally faced. It is not hearsay, it is not third party information.

One of the laws that our great country has, mandates, that banks should have a robust KYC policy. KYC means Know Your Customer. So, if you have to open a new bank account or if you have an existing bank account you have to provide your bank with documents and proof that you are you and not Ajmal Kasab. So in this process you need to prove your residence, your age, your sex, that you are not menopausal, that you are over the age of 18, that you have photographs and that you have thumbs which you place on a ink pad and do thumb impressions on documents and so on and so forth. I am sure all of you have done this or have had this done for you by your peon, father, driver or chartered accountant, and in the case of rich fat and lazy bastards – by your grovelling relationship manager.

At the start of this financial year, for a variety of reasons which I shall not go into here, the Stonethrower Family Unit decided to each open a bank account with the venerable HDFC Bank. So, we filled in the forms, stuck our photographs, put our thumb impressions and provided all manner of KYC. Lo and behold, our accounts were opened and we all patted ourselves on our backs on a job well done. We marvelled at the efficiency and politeness of the staff at HDFC Bank who performed so well. Mind you, our expectations are so low and the red tapism so high, that if we manage to have a bank account opened with just 2 visits to the bank we think we have achieved a lot.

A few months down the line I asked Sister Stonethrower if she was getting her statements from HDFC Bank. No was the answer. So off I went to the branch and told them so. They said we will send a duplicate set at once. A few weeks later I asked Sister Stonethrower if she was now getting her statements from HDFC Bank. Once again no was the answer. Mystified, I trooped of to the bank once again and complained. The man peered into the screen and asked `is her address 562 ***************’? I replied `no it is S-62’. Needless to say he did not and in light of what you can see in the photograph below, could not read out the rest of the address. On hearing this I thought, foolishly, Ahh haa!!! That was the problem a wrong address entered in the system. `Sir please fill in the address change form’ I was told. He also, very kindly, printed the bank statement. On looking at it, I was shocked. Please do have a look at the address! Please also have a look at Sister Stonethrowers gender. She has been classified as a “Mr.” I swear to you that I have not made this up. This is a photograph of the address on the bank statement edited for purposes of confidentiality of course. My question is why did you ask for all that KYC nonsense and what have you done with it? This whole thing raises so many questions, but, frankly, I cannot be bothered writing them all down.

If this was not enough, out of the blue, I got a letter from Central Bank of India – stating that a bank account standing in Mother Stonethrower name was not KYC compliant and asked us to provide the KYC material to make it so. This threw us all, we could not recall when and why we would have ever opened an account with Central Bank of India. So, off I went to the branch in question and found out that this account was opened in 1992 and was now marked dormant. It had a few thousand rupees. I thought I should get it KYC compliant and close it.

So, once again I went through the whole rigmarole of getting the KYC documents, thumb impressions and allied things done and went off to the branch to submit all this. The man at the counter punched in the account number into his computer terminal and then looked dumbstruck. `There are no signatures on record’ he spluttered, literally spluttered. He was so shattered that he called his colleague, also about 65 years old and they both looked like goldfish, wide eyed, innocent and dumbstruck at the screen and said, no signature on records. Apparently the bank had for whatever reason not scanned our signatures when having the bank computerised. And now the original signature cards were destroyed.

The officer, was in that sense cool about the whole thing once he got over his spluttering. He simply said, submit the KYC, we will activate the account and then regularise it as far as signatures are concerned. This episode is going to be fun. I am more determined than ever to take this matter to its logical conclusion. I want to first activate the account and then shut it, all when the bank has no records of our signatures. This should be fun, lots of fun.

After this hilarious episode, of which we have not heard the last of, I waltzed off to Citibank, all things considered, my bank of choice. I wanted to change the address on my bank account. So, in true Bharat Sarkar Babu style, I took my flat purchase agreement which showed that I was the owner of my flat.

I told my relationship manager, here is my `address proof’, please change my address.

She looked at me pityingly and said `Sir, you can do this online’.

`Online’ I squawked. `How could that be’? `Do you not require any proof’?  

`No sir’ she said witheringly, `we are now moving things online’ she said with utter contempt for me. She said that there was no need for `proof’ as now everything was online.

Then she said that I could use her computer terminal to log in and change my address while she would look over my shoulder and help me along the way. I did so, and yes, it was possible. However I was still sceptical, very sceptical but she looked at me triumphantly. I thanked her, apologised for doubting her knowledge and left the bank.

No sooner had I left the branch and walked some 50 meters that I got a call from her, asking me to submit the flat purchase agreement as `proof’. I did a quick about turn and handed over the `proof’.

I do realise that in a period of a just a couple of days I had dealings with three types of Banks that are common all over India on basically something that was common across all banks. A Nationalised Bank [Central Bank of India], a Foreign Bank [Citibank] and a home grown domestic bank [HDFC]. Clearly, the Nationalised Bank [Central Bank of India] had absolutely no systems in place but had staff that knew everything and which probably had a process \to do this with lots of paper affidavits and notarising and stamp paper. The Foreign Bank [Citibank] had all systems in place but unfortunately some of its newer recruits are clueless. Unfortunately, the home grown domestic bank [HDFC] has neither the systems nor the people.

Of course when you look at this you will realise how little this KYC nonsense means anyway. Mind you, as I said in the beginning, the Stonethrower Family Unit, are law abiding. We have no bad intentions. It is all very well having rigorous KYC norms in place, but if Banks themselves are totally negligent I am unsure how this can ever be enforced.

Long live the Khap

The preface to this post could take many forms. In fact, I wondered long, though not very hard, how I should start. Ultimately, I decided to go with the flow. So here goes.

I am a qualified lawyer. I studied, passed exams, served as an apprentice in a large law firm under a really nice immediate boss and some really nice indirect bosses. I absorbed, I stumbled, I learnt, I made mistakes and was and am reasonably successful. I suddenly realised that I have been a qualified lawyer for 25 years! Over the years I learnt many laws, I advised many clients and I was part of an entire legal `eco’ system. But, in light of three recent episodes, I am convinced that there is not much of a future for young budding lawyers. I had my day in the sun, now the sun is slowly and surely setting on the legal profession.

Many of you may know what `Khap Panchayats’ are. For those of you who do not, let me give you a short explanation. A `Khap’ is a system of social administration. Very broadly speaking, the Indian social fabric revolved around a village. Groups of villages formed `Khaps’. These `Khaps’ selected or elected a `Khap Panchayat’ which consisted of five members who are in charge of governance of that `Khap’. Over the years `Khap Panchayats’ have become a sort of quasi judicial body dispensing justice. They form their own rules, interpret their own customs and generally function totally independent of the established legal system. They have, over the years, become, to use a cliché, a law unto themselves.

That is quite enough of the prefaces. Let me get to the point.

Tarun Tejpal. What a lovely man! The man sends out an email to the colleague he sexually assaulted. The email contains the following paragraph.

“It wrenches me beyond describing, therefore, to accept that I have violated that long-standing relationship of trust and respect between us and I apologise unconditionally for the shameful lapse of judgement that led me to attempt a sexual liaison with you on two occasions on 7 November and 8 November 2013, despite your clear reluctance that you did not want such attention from me.”

This email was sent by Mr. Tejpal totally voluntarily. He was not subjected to any third degree punishment by the police, no order of any court, nothing. The lovely man admits to the actions. Now what does he and his bunch of equally high thinking, deeply intellectual colleagues do? He admits to the crime, he himself atones; he dispenses punishment himself to himself by recusing himself from work, and gets on with life. `Khap’? Is this not an example of a `Khap Panchayat’ at work? The confession, the judge, the jury, the punishment all by one person. Wonderful.

Take the rag tag bunch who call themselves the Aam Aadmi Party [AAP]. With their ridiculous caps they look like Bombay Dabbawallas or, as an ex boss of mine Bhai Rege used to say, like `bloody Gumastas’. They get caught on camera accepting money and making promises to do such utterly petty things that it makes me sick. Why can they not be like the Congress ministers, take crores for allotting coal mines, or allotting Mobile spectrum, think big. Anyway, what do they do once this tape becomes public. Deny, say there is no wrong, say that they want the unedited tape, say that since the tape was not given to them but to the Election Commission they are now free to basically do what they want. They decide that by Saziya Ilmi not standing for election, all wrongdoing is washed away. `Khap’? Is this not another example of a `Khap Panchayat’ at work? The judge, the jury, the punishment all by the same gang. A law unto themselves.

Then take the case of our old friends the Campa Cola Residents. Many of them, generally the guys who bought on a resale, bought flats knowing full well that the buildings did not have an occupancy certificate. They bought the flats at a discount and thought they had a bargain. When the Supreme Court passed the orders mandating the Municipality to demolish the buildings, the residents stayed put, barricaded themselves in and wilfully disobeyed the Supreme Court orders. Anybody else does it they would be clapped into jail for Contempt, but not here. They had their own law, their own rules, their own perception of right and wrong. In fact they came from the two wrongs make a right school of law. `Khap Panchayat’ at work?

So folks, while all this is sickening, and we all careen into anarchy remember the good old days and simple village life. Long live the `Khap Panchayat’? My days as a lawyer are numbered, who needs lawyers anyway? If you have any kids wanting to do law, tell them to forget about it, waste of time, they will be sitting `velha’ and will want you to look after them. You just decide what is the wrong you have done, set your own punishment and get on with things. DIY - do it yourself!