Hardik Pandya & Dr Abraham Samuel - Both victims of the new India

The two events, one being Hardik Pandya’s “comments” on the Koffee with Karan show and the other being “denial of immigration” [sic] to Dr. Abraham Samuel for not knowing Hindi are the provocations for this post.

Let me take Hardik first. I do not normally watch the show Koffee with Karan. Seeing an entire episode is an impossibility. Once social media was frothing, I caught a re-run to see what the palaver was about.

The show defines the words vapid, empty, snowflake and airhead. Fluff, pure and simple fluff is what the show is. Obviously, the show has an audience, but I cannot figure who that is. On the one hand the show features Bollywood stars, and is telecast in English. So, a large audience is removed as they cannot understand English. Then, the show has its participants dressed in the most expensive designer wear, which is unaffordable for 95% of us. The participants speak about hook ups, affairs and travel, after which, they have a contest to dial up friends. This is the sort of drivel the show contains, all of which is of no relevance to the audience, nor, is any of this attainable by 95% of the audience. This show, is, by no stretch of any imagination, intellectual.

On this platform you have a 9^th Standard pass cricketer being interviewed. He has never claimed to be Einstein and neither has he been accused of being Einstein. For God’s sake being a 9^th Standard student, he has barely any education. He admits on the show that he can read English, and can barely read Hindi or Gujarati. To me that is disturbing. What he said about girls was silly and only braggadocio. Assuming all he said was true, please consider this gem.

“At a party my parents asked me acha tera wala (women) kaun sa hai so I said yeh, yeh, yeh (pointing out women) and they were like waah proud of u beta.”

Now, how many movies have you seen in the past about teenagers coming of age. From the mild Grease, to Saturday Night Fever to Dirty Dancing and several more where boys talk about “going all the way”, “getting to third base” etc. How many rap songs and today’s music is similar in braggadocio? Our children watch such films and listen to such songs. We don’t seem to have a problem. But suddenly when Hardik, I repeat, a 9^th Standard functionally literate cricketer spouts we get our chuddies all twisted

No, I am not saying – give him a break. That is not my point. My point is twofold. First, since when does a 9^th Standard functionally literate cricketer become a role model for us or our children? In fact, he should be anything but one. Should a 9^th Standard functionally literate be a role model? Who is to tell India’s youths, similarly placed, from villages and small towns, that don’t look at Hardik as a role model. Compare Hardik with a hugely more erudite Javagal Srinath with an engineering degree in Instrumentation, or Anil Kumble a Mechanical Engineer or even K Shrikant an Electrical Engineer. These are role models. Why do we have this obsession of treating every celebrity as a role model. Salman? I mean come on. I am unsure if even Salman or Hardik regard themselves as one. But we, in our wooly headed way want to bestow “role model” on them. I mean why not the morning newspaper delivery boy – see how hard he works, see how disciplined he is waking up at the crack of dawn to deliver papers, see how after delivery he goes to school!!! I mean come on. All this is admirable and should be encouraged. But role model? Hardik’s parents encouraged him to become a cricketer but role model? 

My second point is, how the intellectuals have double standards. I am sure you must have heard the Voltaire argument ad nauseum. For those readers who live under rocks, Voltaire was a French philosopher who once said “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” This is used by our intellectuals to argue against any ban on free speech. Does Hardik not have the Voltaire right? Our intellectuals say that Indians are very sensitive and thin skinned. I agree. Suddenly we find that a fluff show Koffee with Karan with a 9^th Standard functionally literate cricketer spouting rubbish is deeply upsetting. I mean really come on.

Just a social media driven storm in a tea cup. However, this will not die. We should have a debate or three on TV at Prime Time and I am sure our worthy top journalists – Shobhaa De, Karan Thapar, Tavleen Singh et al as well as some feminists will write a few hundred words on this absolute drivel.

Now let us turn our attention to another gem. Abraham Samuel who describes himself as [BTech MSc MIET. Biotechnologist, Biomedical Engineer, PhD Chemistry Student. Biopharma & Scientific R&D, Chromatography, Spectroscopy, GxP] in other words, not stupid, and certainly role model worthy. Abraham was stopped at immigration in Mumbai. Pausing here for a moment. I am proceeding on the footing that what has been published in the newspapers is the Gospel. I am NOT questioning it.

Abraham Samuel was LEAVING INDIA, yes, LEAVING INDIA from Mumbai airport. He has an Indian passport. The words used are immigration, which is incorrect. It should be emigration – i.e. leaving. Anyway, while leaving India, the officer asked Abraham Samuel a question in Hindi to which he replied that he speaks English and Tamil but not Hindi. Samuel was harassed, allegedly abused, supervisors were summoned and eventually, he was allowed to go. Samuel tweets –

“The only reason i left was because my flight was scheduled to be boarded at 1:00 AM. Otherwise i would have stayed to lodge a formal complaint against this nincampoop! How do idiots like him make way into the Indian government? (sic)”

Once again, assuming all this is true and factually correct, I am aghast, and very angry.

I travel out of the country fairly often. Over the past few months I have noticed that when leaving, yes leaving, the country I am asked (i) where I am going and (ii) what is the purpose of my visit. On one trip my answer of “Bologna and holiday” did fuck with the mind of the ninacampoop as he had never heard of Bologna. My question is why? Honestly, for the love of God, why should I be asked this when I am an Indian leaving with a valid visa for my destination? I presume Abraham Samuel was asked the same thing in Hindi which caused this furore.

Secondly, I was aghast at the explanations put out by the immigration guys. This was reported in the Times of India, the venerable Lady of Bori Bunder. I quote.

“Refuting the tweets an immigration officer said, “They were doing their duty. They have to cross check with flyers as some Sri Lankans had tried to clear immigration check with fake Indian passports. Many Lankans have been caught with fake passports, so methods are used to verify and check if the flyer is really an Indian.”

Stunning, simply stunning. Straight from the highly trained brain of a 9^th Standard functionally literate. These very gentlemen are protecting our borders from illegal immigrants. A method to check if a person is Indian is to speak to him in Hindi. Absolutely fucking brilliant! Sometimes I wonder why Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar was given the Bharat Ratna. We have un-named worthiness among us.

This my dear readers, is our India today.

Colombo - Sri Lanka

Dear readers, Colombo is fantastic. A truly wonderful city, with great food, great shops, great music, great booze, great hotels, wonderful roads, friendly people and big development projects. Fabulous modern apartments overlooking the ocean. Much like Dubai.

Sri Lanka is one more country that has made chutney of us. In my view, only Bangladesh, Nepal, Myanmar and several African countries are below us. Think about it. Almost all our illegal immigrants are from these worthy countries/Continent.

We spent 3 night in Colombo, only Colombo in early December 2018. We had a super time, enjoyed every minute and are waiting to go back.

Yes, I know you will say, Bah! Its Chinese money pouring in. Sure, yes. You will say, the Chinese are not to be trusted. Sure yes. You will say the Chinese have really become big in Africa. Sure yes. I have two retorts. First, I am visiting Sri Lanka as a tourist, I am not getting citizenship or investing in their economy. Second, if only this scale of progress could happen in India, we would be a great place.

Sri Lanka has had huge problems. A debilitating civil war. A small economy and major political unrest. Sri Lanka, is a Socialist Republic, and, according to some polls, deeply religious. Buddhism is the largest religion with Poya [full moon day] being a holiday. Of course, Saturdays and Sundays are holidays too. Lots of holidays there. Despite the unrest, Sri Lanka has made dramatic progress. To me, as a short stay visitor in a luxury 5-star hotel, Colombo seemed far more westernized than Mumbai, with diversity being evident everywhere. The number of white tourists was large. Sri Lanka has made a lot of progress as a first-class tourist destination with infrastructure to match. Top class roads, hotels and destinations. They have everything, mountains with tea gardens, beaches, wildlife sanctuaries with elephant and leopard and a lot of religious destinations. The place is clean, people honest and internal travel is easy.

Indians don’t need a visa to enter. All you do is get online, and log into the Sri Lanka ETA [Electronic Travel Authorisation System] and fill a form online. Pay the fee and literally in 10 minutes you will get your “visa”. That is all. If you are a paranoid or are reluctant to do an online transaction, well, stay home. The flight to Sri Lanka is a short 2½ hours, as close as Kolkata. Flights are at decent times, 4.30 pm either side. What more could you want?

We were staying at the brand new Shangri La hotel. This opened in October 2017. This is located on Galle Face Road, a road much like Marine Drive in Mumbai. You have the wonderful inviting blue Indian Ocean on one side and luxurious apartments and hotels on the other. Stunning vistas. I believe that living in one of these apartments would extend your life by 10 years.  The drive from the airport to the hotel was on a purpose-built elevated highway some 20 kms long. Superb. I must point out that in comparison to the glitz and glamour of the rest of Sri Lanka, their airport is a bit of a dump. That evening we had cocktails at the very very lively bar in the hotel. A superb live band of expatriates was playing. They were good.

A cocktail at the Capitol Bar & Grill Shangi La Colombo

The next day we took a hotel car [Land Rover brand new, with Wi-Fi inside the car – not a big deal technically but who the hell does it in India] on a 4 hour package to see the city. What shocked me was the price of the car. Just, and I am not being facetious, Sri Lankan 3500 which is INR 1750. I was truly gob smacked. Cheap as chips. Cheap as chips was my impression almost all thru the 3 days. Decent Gewurztraminer [an excellent white wine paired with spicy food] was SRL 6300 i.e. INR 3150 at Colombo’s best restaurant – Ministry of Crab. Food was reasonable and excellent. Booze was cheap. You could actually drink in a 5 Star hotel at what were normal Mumbai bar prices, with better quality booze and in far better surroundings.

Using the car we set out to visit the must do tourist shops, Odel, Paradise Gallery [both excellent] Barefoot Café [rubbish, much like Handloom House] Arpico [a great supermarket, if that is your thing – it is ours] and we did not visit House of Fashion. At Arpico I bought a “Chattie” which is an earthenware cooking vessel. My second. Great to make Indian curries, the clay gives the food a slightly different flavor. Cheap as chips SRL 350 for Chattie and lid that is INR 175. By then it was lunchtime, so, Paradise Road Gallery Café was chosen. Excellent excellent food.

My Chattie and lid 

Above: Nasi Goreng at the Paradise Cafe 

Above: Black Pork Sri Lankan Style with condiments at Gallery Cafe

The most famous Chef in all of Sri Lanka is Darshan Munidasa. His restaurants are the toast of Sri Lanka, and, like the country, diverse. He started with Nihonbashi a Japanese place, a short walk from our Hotel, where we had lunch. I am not a Sushi eater, but, what turned up looked fabulous and those who ate said it was decent. He also has a modern Sri Lankan restaurant he co-owns with the actress Jacqueline Fernandez, and specialty seafood place called Tuna & Crab.

Above: At Nihonbashi. The best Okra "Bhendi" I have ever eaten. Japanese style

Above: Saute fresh Shitake Mushroom

Above: Rolls at Nihonbashi

Above: The Sashimi Platter

Above: Cup of Miso Soup

 Above: Okonomiyaki

Munidasa biggest hit has been Ministry of Crab which he co-owns with Kumar Sangakkara and Mahela Jayawardane, the cricketeers. The restaurant is located another short walk away from the Shangri La in the Dutch Hospital Complex. This reminded me of Chijmes in Singapore. The Dutch Hospital, was exactly what its name suggests, to look after the health of members of the Dutch East India Company. It was then used as a Police Station which was attacked by the LTTE. Then, in 2011 it was renovated and has become an upmarket leisure centre with top shops, bars and restaurants. Ministry of Crab is located here. As luck would have it, Darshan Munidasa had just opened a large sports bar alongside where he was glad handing press and VIP’s. We had a few drinks there. Then it was on to Ministry of Crab for dinner.

We had made our bookings from Mumbai and were glad we had done so. The restaurant is large and was full. Non airconditioned. There are community tables inside while the outside has smaller tables. Wines were ordered. The restaurant had plenty of expats and many of them Oriental. Crabs are available in myriad sizes. We decided to order two small crabs so that we would have a bigger selection from the menu. The food was superlative. Better than what we get at Trishna Apoorva? By a mile.

Above: My Apron and crab crackers

Above: The MOC branded wine cooler

Above: Clay Pot Prawns

Above: Black Pepper Crab

Above: Chilli Crab

Above: Coconut Panacotta

Another aspect that struck us was the number of places that had live music. As I have written previously, an expat band was playing in the Shangri La bar. There was a singer at Munidasa’s new sports bar. Inn On The Green a bar in the famous Galle Face Hotel had a particularly good trio. The three guitarists were taking requests – Freefallin – Tom Petty, Hotel California, Reason – Hoobastank and so on. Much hilarity about Cocaine – the song. That band made the evening for us. Refused an offer for a drink to be sent to them, claimed they did not drink. Most enjoyable evening.

Above: A must have in Sri Lanka. Devilled Sausages.

To conclude, if you ask me honestly, do not waste your time and money travelling anywhere, I mean anywhere, in India. For almost the same airfare you can go to Colombo. Hotels are cheaper [unless you are staying at your in laws or relatives’ home] food is better and cheaper and the place is beautiful. So, why not?

Sri Lanka 100% recommended.

Hampton Court - London

Dear Readers, this is written by HRH the Queen of Kutch. 

I have always been a sucker for historical fiction. Being an avid reader, I have over the years have devoured the magical Far Pavilions, Train to Pakistan, Shogun, Roots, The English Patient, Girl with a Pearl Earring, Baburnama, Conn Iggulden’s gritty Khan series that traces the rise of Chengis Khan and his brutal legacy, the brilliant Amitav Ghosh Ibis trilogy, all of Anchee Min’s books, especially her Empress Orchid series with her sensitive portrayal of Empress Tsu Hsi (Cixi), and more recently George Saunder’s Lincoln in the Bardo. There are many books and authors I haven’t mentioned here, but you get the gist. So, if you are ever in need for historical fiction recommendations, you know whom to ask

Besides transporting me to another time and place, these books have also added so much joy and depth to my real-life travels. In China, I trekked the Great Wall imagining the time it was built to ward off the mighty Khan and later, wandered through the Summer Palace picturing Empress Cixi walking through the gardens during her short retirement. In Istanbul I examined the kitchens built during the Ottoman Empire and conjured up the armies that needed to be fed.

But more then all these, it is British historical fiction that has most captured my imagination. From CJ Samson’s historical crime fiction to Philippa Gregory especially with her outstanding Plantagenet and Tudor novels and Hilary Mantel with her award-winning Wolf Hall and Bring up the Bodies. The more I read, the more I want to visit the places in these books so I could shut my eyes and imagine the lives, intrigues, wars and romances that were so vividly captured in these books. And of all British history, it is the Tudors that fascinated me most, especially the famous Henry VIII and his six wives.

So, I was more than pleasantly surprised when the Gourmet Lawyer suggested we take a day trip to Hampton Court Palace. I had read all the books, devoured the mini TV series Wolf Hall, was transfixed by the 4 seasons of the TV series The Tudors which is now on Netflix. I couldn’t wait to see the grand residence of Cardinal Thomas Wolsey which he built in the image of the Versailles Palace and eventually gave as a gift to Henry VIII after he fell out of Royal favour for being unable to get the besotted King out of a troublesome marriage.

Above: The Ceiling in the main entrance

The recommended way to get from London to Hampton Court and back is by boat from Westminster. It is the way The Royals would have travelled in the days of yore. It is the journey Queen Anne Boleyn took to the Tower of London where she was imprisoned and later beheaded. So many books have captured that barge trip. But for us, it was not to be. On further investigation we found that the boat ride from Westminster to Hampton Court takes 4 hours one way. That was really too long. I imagine it would have taken far far longer for Queen Anne to sail to the site of her beheading!

The other option was a train from Waterloo which covered the distance in a mere 30 minutes. Much better idea though far less romantic. All the way as the train wheels clacked, in my head was the eerie mnemonic “Divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived”

The Palace is a short 5-minute walk from Hampton Court station. So, this really was a very convenient option. Even as we approached the Palace, we were amazed at the grandeur and sheer size of the structure. It is a magnificent structure set in the midst of vast, well maintained grounds and parks.

There were very few tourists about the day we went so we were able to get many lovely pictures and walk around without jostling against crowds. Docents dressed in period costumes re-enact life in the palace hundreds of years ago and are without fail friendly and happy to help and answer questions. While buying our entrance we were told there was a guided tour of the great hall and Henry VIII’s private apartments starting in an hour if we were interested. Of course, we were, so we set off for a brief walk around before joining the tour.

One of the first things that caught our eye was the was the gorgeous Hampton Court astronomical clock, an early example of a pre- Copernican astronomical clock. Still functioning, the clock shows the time of day, the phases of the moon, the month, the quarter of the year, the date, the sun and star sign, and high tide at London Bridge. The latter information was of great importance to those visiting this Thames-side palace from London, as the preferred method of transport at the time was by barge, and at low water London Bridge created dangerous rapids.

The guided tour was charmingly conducted by a man and woman playing the part of members of Henry VIII’s royal household. It was entertaining, engaging, informative and utterly charming. Why oh why can’t we learn something about how to do tourism in India???

The Palace is very well maintained. A lot of excavation and restoration work is ongoing and every effort is made to transport the visitor to another age. Do see the pictures.

The highlight for us were the vast medieval kitchens which fed over 1000 people every day. Today, professional chefs are in the kitchens every day to show visitors how to recreate recipes and cooking techniques from the 1500’s.

Hampton Court Palace is known for its vast grounds, the famous hedge maze and the King Henry’s tennis courts. The courts are still in use and there was a match on when we went!

Above: Inside the Maze. In case people really get lost, health and safety mandates the ladder from where they can see you and guide you out. 

All in all, a great day and a wonderful bringing to life of the many Tudor books I have read.